Mitch Hedberg

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Mitch Hedberg

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
Mitch Hedberg

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
Mitch Hedberg

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
Mitch Hedberg

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.
Mitch Hedberg

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.
Mitch Hedberg

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
Mitch Hedberg

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Mitch Hedberg

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Mitch Hedberg

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
Mitch Hedberg

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Mitch Hedberg

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
Mitch Hedberg

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Mitch Hedberg

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
Mitch Hedberg

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
Mitch Hedberg

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Mitch Hedberg

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
Mitch Hedberg

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
Mitch Hedberg

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
Mitch Hedberg

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Mitch Hedberg

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
Mitch Hedberg

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
Mitch Hedberg

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Mitch Hedberg

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
Mitch Hedberg

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
Mitch Hedberg

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
Mitch Hedberg

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.
Mitch Hedberg

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
Mitch Hedberg

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
Mitch Hedberg

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
Mitch Hedberg

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Mitch Hedberg

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
Mitch Hedberg

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
Mitch Hedberg

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
Mitch Hedberg

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
Mitch Hedberg

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
Mitch Hedberg

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
Mitch Hedberg

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
Mitch Hedberg

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
Mitch Hedberg

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
Mitch Hedberg

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
Mitch Hedberg

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
Mitch Hedberg

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
Mitch Hedberg

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
Mitch Hedberg

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
Mitch Hedberg

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
Mitch Hedberg

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
Mitch Hedberg

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'
Mitch Hedberg

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
Mitch Hedberg

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
Mitch Hedberg

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
Mitch Hedberg

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. I'll have 1000 pieces of noodles.
Mitch Hedberg

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Mitch Hedberg

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
Mitch Hedberg

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
Mitch Hedberg

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
Mitch Hedberg

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
Mitch Hedberg

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
Mitch Hedberg

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
Mitch Hedberg