Steven Wright

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright

At one point he decided enough was enough.
Steven Wright

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Steven Wright

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Steven Wright

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Steven Wright

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Steven Wright

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
Steven Wright

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Steven Wright

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
Steven Wright

Hermits have no peer pressure.
Steven Wright

How young can you die of old age?
Steven Wright

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Steven Wright

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Steven Wright

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Steven Wright

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Steven Wright

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
Steven Wright

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
Steven Wright

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
Steven Wright

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
Steven Wright

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
Steven Wright

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
Steven Wright

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
Steven Wright

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
Steven Wright

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Steven Wright

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
Steven Wright

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright

I invented the cordless extension cord.
Steven Wright

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
Steven Wright

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
Steven Wright

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
Steven Wright

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Steven Wright

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Steven Wright

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
Steven Wright

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Steven Wright

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.
Steven Wright

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Steven Wright

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
Steven Wright

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Steven Wright

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
Steven Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
Steven Wright

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
Steven Wright

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Steven Wright

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
Steven Wright

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
Steven Wright

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
Steven Wright

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
Steven Wright

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
Steven Wright

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
Steven Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
Steven Wright

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
Steven Wright

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
Steven Wright

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Steven Wright

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Steven Wright

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Steven Wright

If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Steven Wright

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Steven Wright

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
Steven Wright

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
Steven Wright

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
Steven Wright

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
Steven Wright

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
Steven Wright

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
Steven Wright

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Steven Wright

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Steven Wright

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Steven Wright

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
Steven Wright

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Steven Wright

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
Steven Wright

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Steven Wright

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Steven Wright

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
Steven Wright

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
Steven Wright

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Steven Wright

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Steven Wright

On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Steven Wright

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
Steven Wright

So, do you live around here often?
Steven Wright

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Steven Wright

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
Steven Wright

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
Steven Wright

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
Steven Wright

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Steven Wright

What a nice night for an evening.
Steven Wright

What's another word for Thesaurus?
Steven Wright

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
Steven Wright

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
Steven Wright

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
Steven Wright

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
Steven Wright

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."
Steven Wright

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
Steven Wright

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Steven Wright

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Steven Wright